Postpartum Depression

So not a lot of people know this about me... but for the last two months I have been suffering from postpartum depression. It is very common in women who have just had a baby and even more common for women who have just had their first one. I didn't realize I even had it, until recently and it's all making sense now...

 Since Jaelyn was born, I've never really felt like I've been connected or attached it her... Everyone always says that when you see your baby for the first time, you instantly fall in love. Well in my case, it didn't happen like that. I'm not sure if it was because she was born early, and completely unexpected, and I wasn't even completely prepared for her arrival, or if it was because of my somewhat traumatic c-section or if it's just a hormonal thing. 

I've gone through periods of not wanting to be around Jaelyn and wanting someone else to take her for me... (my mom and mother-in-law). And it's been really challenging! 

For those of you who know me, you know I absolutely love kids! Always have! Hence the reason I got my BA in Children's Studies. So this disconnect from my own child has been really hard! I've felt guilty for not being a good, loving mother like I should and guilty for these negative feelings I've been having. And that's the point when I really realized, "I think I might have postpartum depression." After some research I've determined that that's exactly what I have! It's not an extreme case, I've never had feelings of EVER wanting to harm Jaelyn! It's just mostly been this disconnect! 

Also making this situation worse was that I was having massive "brain fog" and light-headedness and vertigo... Well when I was pregnant I was anemic and turns out I still am! So I've been taking iron pills and that's been helping tremendously! 

Why do I tell you all this? Well mostly to let other mothers out there know that if they have postpartum depression, don't get too down on yourself... it's hormonal and kinda out of your control. You didn't ask for it to happen, but it did. I've come to realize that for myself and have started to take periods of time out of my day to just enjoy being a mom and enjoy spending time with Jaelyn and that seems to help! Just this week I have started to feel more connected with her! When I'm not holding her or when she's not laying next to me at night, I miss her! And that to me is a huge step in the right direction! Laterz!