Life of the spouse of someone with depression
I've been married for the last 8 1/2 years to a wonderful husband who I love with everything I have. Our life together has been anything but easy for a number of reasons, one of which being that my husband suffers from depression.
I've never been a stranger to depression. I became aware of it at a young age because my older brother had it really bad as a teenager. Having a sibling with depression was a challenge and a blessing. I feel like in a lot of ways it helped me to prepare for a life I would later have with my husband.
For the last 5 years or so I've debated about whether to write down my experiences as a spouse to someone who suffers with depression or not. I didn't want to discredit my spouse who has incredibly hard suffering with it, by focusing on the negative affects it has on me and our family. But I feel like I need to speak my truth on the matter too. Because the fact of the matter is, depression unfortunately affects the whole family. There are thousands of research and articles about what it's like to have depression and how it affects the person with it, but I have yet to find an accurate portrayal of the affects it has on the ones closest to them. So in this blog post I'm going to focus on how having depression affects not only the one with it, but those around them as well. Specifically their spouse and kids. I'll also go a little into detail about our story with it too. I'm writing this as a way to process for me and also for anyone else who happens to be in our situation.
My husbands depression seemed to have started or maybe just got worse enough to where I could really notice it right after our first child was born. It's all a little hazy to be honest, because it seemed so gradual. Very similar to the analogy of putting a frog in a pot of water. If you put it in when the water is already boiling it'll hop right out, But if you put it in cold water and slowly heat it up it stays put because the change is so gradual, by the time it notices it's too late.
By the time I noticed it wasn't too late, but it was already pretty bad. He had all the common signs, loss of interest in things he used to enjoy, anger, pessimistic about everything, changes in appetite and I could go on. He struggled with denial initially, then had a hard time finding a medication that worked, had issues with doctors and psychiatrists and nothing seemed to work. A medication would work for a little while and then not work. Or it made him have no emotion whatsoever, he was just numb he said. Or he'd have other side effects like anxiety or weight gain. Fast forward a few years and things still hadn't improved, they'd only gotten worse. To the point where, he had 2 attempted suicides shortly after our second child was born. This was about 2 or 3 summers ago. These were dark times for him and for us as a family. I am in no way trying to minimize what he went through, because I have seen first hand how hard it is. But these are some of the things that I went through during that time.
First off, watching someone you love and care for so deeply change for the worse before your very eyes is heart wrenching to say the least! It's like watching someone slowing dying on the inside. I'm not even sure I can quite convey it in words. It's watching someone slowly deteriorate and lose the light in there eyes, while at the same time knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix the problem. It's absolute torture!
Secondly, as they slowly lose interest in things, you end up being one of those things. And although it's not intentional, it's still really hard and hurtful to go through. For a long time I would get mad and wonder what I was doing wrong. It's really hard to not take things personally. When everyday is a bad day for them and sometimes things get taken out on you, it's hard to decipher at first what is just a backlash of the depression and what is genuine everyday marital issues. As a spouse to someone with depression I spend my time trying to compensate for all the things he lacks in, in the hopes of trying to lessen his load to make his life easier or better. I put a lot of extra load on my plate and often reach the point where I feel like I have nothing left to give. And sometimes struggle with resentment because I feel like I give and give with little in return. And you see, you need to understand that depression moves his focus completely inward. When he's depressed he literally cannot think outside himself. Depression is all consuming and just literally takes over. And although I know that's the depression and not "him" its still extremely difficult to handle sometimes. Right now we have 3 young kids under the age of 5. When his depression is bad, he's not able to be physically or emotionally present for me or the kids and that's the hardest part. He hates when I say this, but I often feel like a single mom. I feel like I carry all the weight of our family on my shoulders and at the end of the day I'm exhausted. I'm physhically and emotionally drained. Most of our conversations revolve around him and all the hard things he's dealing with and in comparison I feel like my problems aren't important enough to bring up. And if I do bring them up, he's not always able to be present and validate my feelings or just take on any of my "unloading" and as a result I feel so alone, sad, unloved, underappreciated, and worthless. I'm a stay at home mom so I really am alone most of my days completely consumed by my tiny humans. But emotionally I feel so alone. I wish more people would realize just how hard it is for me too. I hold a lot of things in because I don't want to offend him or make him feel worse to then in turn cause his depression to be worse, but at the same time I suffer because of his depression too. Do you know how hard it is to try to be happy when you're around someone who is constantly depressed? It's like trying to swim upstream with a bum finn. It's possible, but its a huge struggle. Sometimes I just give in and join the depression wagon because I just can't fight it anymore. I literally have no strength left some days to handle it.
Thirdly, how do you move on after your spouse has had suicide attempts... I'm not sure you ever do. I feel like I'm constantly on suicide watch. It gives me so much anxiety when I don't know where he is or what he's doing for a given amount of time. I worry I'm going to find him dead someday, because I was so close to that being a reality twice! it's made me think about things no one should ever have to think about. What would I do if I became a widow with 3 kids at the age of 30? How would I support myself? Do I get any life insurance if my husband decides to take his own life? Will my kids be scarred for life? How do I explain to them what happened? Will I be scarred for life? Will people think less of him as a person because they don't fully understand how miserable his life gets? All these questions haunt me everyday since his attempts. It's a really hard reality to think about and one that I can never not think about now. It's always in the back of my mind.
Lastly, depression has no cure. It's a lifelong battle. This is a rough reality. We recently decided that our third child would be our last. And you may be wondering what that has to do with depression. Well for me, when he can't be present for me or the kids, I play both roles and have to compensate for him in that regard. His depression comes in waves and can last anywhere from a week to 6 weeks. So during that time he's just in survival mode, I have to be the one to step up and be everything for him and our kids. And it's all consuming. Knowing that his depression is always going to be there and knowing that during those times everything is going to fall on me, I had to really think about just how much I could handle. And right now with three kids, everyday is a struggle. With 2, I felt like if anything were to happen I could handle it and I'd find a way. But with 3, I feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. I can only handle so much and I think this is my limit. And I know that emotionally he can't handle anymore kids either. So that's been hard. Depression runs our lives it seems like. We make decisions around it. We change the way we eat, where we can and can't go, and how we view life. It's really stupid and I hate it for that!
But at the end of each day, I love my husband fiercely and would literally do anything I could to relieve him of this depression. That's why I do what i do to pick up the pieces he can't fill and take the weight off him and take it on myself. Depression is an ugly disease that so many people suffer from whether directly or indirectly like me. My biggest wish is that we can find a cure and that everyone who suffers can have that suffering relieved. But since that's not a reality right now, I like many others, will continue to do the best I can to support him and my kids in this journey of our lives that we have no control over and hopefully keep it from taking over our lives completely. I hope that for whoever reads this can understand a glimpse of what it's like being the spouse and realizing that it's not cupcakes and roses and that it takes so much work and effort some days just to get by. Thanks for reading and taking the time to understand my life and perspective.
I've never been a stranger to depression. I became aware of it at a young age because my older brother had it really bad as a teenager. Having a sibling with depression was a challenge and a blessing. I feel like in a lot of ways it helped me to prepare for a life I would later have with my husband.
For the last 5 years or so I've debated about whether to write down my experiences as a spouse to someone who suffers with depression or not. I didn't want to discredit my spouse who has incredibly hard suffering with it, by focusing on the negative affects it has on me and our family. But I feel like I need to speak my truth on the matter too. Because the fact of the matter is, depression unfortunately affects the whole family. There are thousands of research and articles about what it's like to have depression and how it affects the person with it, but I have yet to find an accurate portrayal of the affects it has on the ones closest to them. So in this blog post I'm going to focus on how having depression affects not only the one with it, but those around them as well. Specifically their spouse and kids. I'll also go a little into detail about our story with it too. I'm writing this as a way to process for me and also for anyone else who happens to be in our situation.
My husbands depression seemed to have started or maybe just got worse enough to where I could really notice it right after our first child was born. It's all a little hazy to be honest, because it seemed so gradual. Very similar to the analogy of putting a frog in a pot of water. If you put it in when the water is already boiling it'll hop right out, But if you put it in cold water and slowly heat it up it stays put because the change is so gradual, by the time it notices it's too late.
By the time I noticed it wasn't too late, but it was already pretty bad. He had all the common signs, loss of interest in things he used to enjoy, anger, pessimistic about everything, changes in appetite and I could go on. He struggled with denial initially, then had a hard time finding a medication that worked, had issues with doctors and psychiatrists and nothing seemed to work. A medication would work for a little while and then not work. Or it made him have no emotion whatsoever, he was just numb he said. Or he'd have other side effects like anxiety or weight gain. Fast forward a few years and things still hadn't improved, they'd only gotten worse. To the point where, he had 2 attempted suicides shortly after our second child was born. This was about 2 or 3 summers ago. These were dark times for him and for us as a family. I am in no way trying to minimize what he went through, because I have seen first hand how hard it is. But these are some of the things that I went through during that time.
First off, watching someone you love and care for so deeply change for the worse before your very eyes is heart wrenching to say the least! It's like watching someone slowing dying on the inside. I'm not even sure I can quite convey it in words. It's watching someone slowly deteriorate and lose the light in there eyes, while at the same time knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix the problem. It's absolute torture!
Secondly, as they slowly lose interest in things, you end up being one of those things. And although it's not intentional, it's still really hard and hurtful to go through. For a long time I would get mad and wonder what I was doing wrong. It's really hard to not take things personally. When everyday is a bad day for them and sometimes things get taken out on you, it's hard to decipher at first what is just a backlash of the depression and what is genuine everyday marital issues. As a spouse to someone with depression I spend my time trying to compensate for all the things he lacks in, in the hopes of trying to lessen his load to make his life easier or better. I put a lot of extra load on my plate and often reach the point where I feel like I have nothing left to give. And sometimes struggle with resentment because I feel like I give and give with little in return. And you see, you need to understand that depression moves his focus completely inward. When he's depressed he literally cannot think outside himself. Depression is all consuming and just literally takes over. And although I know that's the depression and not "him" its still extremely difficult to handle sometimes. Right now we have 3 young kids under the age of 5. When his depression is bad, he's not able to be physically or emotionally present for me or the kids and that's the hardest part. He hates when I say this, but I often feel like a single mom. I feel like I carry all the weight of our family on my shoulders and at the end of the day I'm exhausted. I'm physhically and emotionally drained. Most of our conversations revolve around him and all the hard things he's dealing with and in comparison I feel like my problems aren't important enough to bring up. And if I do bring them up, he's not always able to be present and validate my feelings or just take on any of my "unloading" and as a result I feel so alone, sad, unloved, underappreciated, and worthless. I'm a stay at home mom so I really am alone most of my days completely consumed by my tiny humans. But emotionally I feel so alone. I wish more people would realize just how hard it is for me too. I hold a lot of things in because I don't want to offend him or make him feel worse to then in turn cause his depression to be worse, but at the same time I suffer because of his depression too. Do you know how hard it is to try to be happy when you're around someone who is constantly depressed? It's like trying to swim upstream with a bum finn. It's possible, but its a huge struggle. Sometimes I just give in and join the depression wagon because I just can't fight it anymore. I literally have no strength left some days to handle it.
Thirdly, how do you move on after your spouse has had suicide attempts... I'm not sure you ever do. I feel like I'm constantly on suicide watch. It gives me so much anxiety when I don't know where he is or what he's doing for a given amount of time. I worry I'm going to find him dead someday, because I was so close to that being a reality twice! it's made me think about things no one should ever have to think about. What would I do if I became a widow with 3 kids at the age of 30? How would I support myself? Do I get any life insurance if my husband decides to take his own life? Will my kids be scarred for life? How do I explain to them what happened? Will I be scarred for life? Will people think less of him as a person because they don't fully understand how miserable his life gets? All these questions haunt me everyday since his attempts. It's a really hard reality to think about and one that I can never not think about now. It's always in the back of my mind.
Lastly, depression has no cure. It's a lifelong battle. This is a rough reality. We recently decided that our third child would be our last. And you may be wondering what that has to do with depression. Well for me, when he can't be present for me or the kids, I play both roles and have to compensate for him in that regard. His depression comes in waves and can last anywhere from a week to 6 weeks. So during that time he's just in survival mode, I have to be the one to step up and be everything for him and our kids. And it's all consuming. Knowing that his depression is always going to be there and knowing that during those times everything is going to fall on me, I had to really think about just how much I could handle. And right now with three kids, everyday is a struggle. With 2, I felt like if anything were to happen I could handle it and I'd find a way. But with 3, I feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. I can only handle so much and I think this is my limit. And I know that emotionally he can't handle anymore kids either. So that's been hard. Depression runs our lives it seems like. We make decisions around it. We change the way we eat, where we can and can't go, and how we view life. It's really stupid and I hate it for that!
But at the end of each day, I love my husband fiercely and would literally do anything I could to relieve him of this depression. That's why I do what i do to pick up the pieces he can't fill and take the weight off him and take it on myself. Depression is an ugly disease that so many people suffer from whether directly or indirectly like me. My biggest wish is that we can find a cure and that everyone who suffers can have that suffering relieved. But since that's not a reality right now, I like many others, will continue to do the best I can to support him and my kids in this journey of our lives that we have no control over and hopefully keep it from taking over our lives completely. I hope that for whoever reads this can understand a glimpse of what it's like being the spouse and realizing that it's not cupcakes and roses and that it takes so much work and effort some days just to get by. Thanks for reading and taking the time to understand my life and perspective.
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